Thursday, June 28, 2012

A Few Free Critiques


I'd love to have a few free critiques!


So, I'm posting this little poem with a question:

If you were an editor at a children’s magazine what would you say about it?
What suggestions would you make? (In your “spare” time?)




ALL suggestions and comments welcomed!
Come on, I have a thick skin. Thanks!





Cat Watching

She tippy-toes upon the tops
Of fence posts straight and tall.
She stretches, yawns, and stops to lick her paw.

“Are you looking?”she seems to say.
“Are you watching me at play?”
She mews, then purrs, then curls up in a ball.


8 comments:

Linda A. said...

Hi Jean,
I'll do my best. I like that the cat's teasing you to watch her perform. I can tell you enjoy watching too. Why not make this less formal and more playful by taking out the complete sentences and using phrases instead. What if the cat gives a command/a challenge in the title that begins the poem with active voice? Drop the Ing verbs. Instead of Cat Watching, what about Watch Me! If you do this, you'd write the poem from the cat's perspective. Would you want to do that? If not, show it from your point of view. Either way works of course, just a different way to consider. Would you want to tell your cat's name? Have fun. Thanks for sharing some of your writing.

Cat Watching


She tippy-toes upon the tops
Of fence posts straight and tall.
She stretches, yawns, and stops to lick her paw.

“Are you looking?”she seems to say.
“Are you watching me at play?”
She mews, then purrs, then curls up in a ball.

Joyce Moyer Hostetter said...

Ah, I really do like! Love all the verbs here. So much action in a short space!

By the second line I was expecting a companion to the first one, in terms of rhythm. But it felt as if there were missing syllables. I am not really certain that there's a problem. But it felt off to me because I anticipated something different.

Donna Earnhardt said...

Not too shabby! ;)

I think the first sentence is fantastic.
"She tippy-toe upon the tops of fence posts"

The "straight and tall" part threw me a bit. Is the cat straight and tall as she tip toes or are the fence posts?

You could cut that last part out.

She tippy toes upon the tops of fence posts.
She stretches,yawns and stops to lick her paw.

THEN you can revise the rest of the poem to fit the top part.

The "are you looking" she seems to say. "Are you watching me at play" isn't a very exciting line t me. It feels flat compared to the first two lines.

The last line, though, "She mews, then purrs, then curls up in a ball" is descriptive.

Just my two cents! :)

Jean said...

Yipeee! Thanks, Linda, Donna and Joyce. Your ideas give me a lot to think about.

Back to my word processor!

Jean

Carol Baldwin said...

can't tell if you got my comment or not. ANyway, the only line that bugged me was the last. I was expecting a rhyme and it wasn't there. GOod try. and now I've probably posted this twice!

Vonda Skelton said...

I'm not a poet at all, so I can't really help. I love the description, though!

Jean said...

Thanks, Vonda!

I so NOT a poet, but trying to learn how to do a decent job of it.

Blessings,
Jean

Jean said...

I got you covered, Carol. Posted only once.

I need to work on that "almost rhyme" don't I?

Thanks,
Jean